I have been substitute teaching for what feels like a long
time now – two and a half years -- to still not have my own classroom. Every
once in a while I get to fill in for an art teacher, sometimes even teach my
own lessons. Usually it is for just a day. Most often I fill in for classroom
teachers in other subjects or in general education. And I find myself having to
teach (convincingly) curriculum that I have no actual training for, having to
adjust to differing classroom norms, having to remember names of students I’ve
only just met, and having to do all this in front of an audience of students
who know I’m “just a substitute.” It is hard to win their respect when they
know this, let alone get them to behave as they would if their regular teacher
were there instead of me.
Honestly, it gets discouraging. Looking for a full time art
position for so long and applying for jobs where I don’t even get an
acknowledgement that I applied wears on me, makes me question if it is worth it
to keep trying. But then something happens to remind me why I keep doing it –
waiting and hoping for my own art room and my own students.
Due to unfortunate circumstances on the part of the regular
teacher, I am called upon to substitute for an entire week in an elementary art
room, even filling in for the after school art club. I get to teach every
lesson (granted they are not my own) to every student in every grade. I get to
go in every day with a plan of what I want the students to take from the
lessons and how I want them to feel about being in the art room. And though
there are some students who don’t know that I am actually an art teacher and
doubt my ability to make or teach art, those naysayers are quickly surprised to
see what I can do with a pencil, paintbrush or piece of clay, and I win them
over.
In just one short hour, students who said “I can’t” at the
start of a challenging art assignment are saying “Wow, I did it!” when I’ve
helped them discover that with a few “tricks” they have the ability to draw an
accurate representation or mix a color. I give them the tools they need to
develop their own artistic skills. I show them how I make the magic happen so
they can make their own magic. I present them with a new way of seeing that
changes how everything looks even outside the art room door.
And the students give things to me, too. Intagible things.
Things they did not know they had to give. They remind me of why I need to be a
teacher. I have just as much – if not more – pride in their successes as they
do. I scrutinize their failures as if they were my own and take them to mean I
need to show them another way to succeed. The students give me hope and
strength and faith. Hope that I will have my own classroom. Strength to wait it
out. And faith that teaching is the gift I was given and am meant to use to
help students find the gifts within themselves.
And so after this week in the art room, I am renewed. I am
reminded that I did not make sacrifices, did not give up certain securities, and
did not accrue massive loan debt because I wanted to become an art teacher. It
was because I need to be an art teacher. It is so much a part of who I am and
what I know I am meant to do. I am not a gambler. I am not a risk taker. But I
gambled my future. I risked my financial security. And I know that someday –
hopefully sooner rather than later – my reward will be my own art classroom, my
own students, and my own chance to share my gift.
p.s. Upcoming posts will show some art projects that I made with the students during this week of renewal.
Those are some sweet thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI had no idea that you were just being a substitute and had yet to get your own room. I know what it is like to be in that holding pattern. I'm in one right now, just not with job stuff. It feels frustrating. Sometimes you feel forgotten about. And it is hard to see others get what you want.
But the wait, no matter how hard it is, will be worth it. That day when your first set of students walk in to your very own classroom, every moment you have had to wait will be totally worth it.
I'll be praying that the right door opens up for you! Keep persevering!!
Thanks for the positive vibes.
DeleteYes, these days I am just being a substitute. I continue to develop my own ideas and evolve those I see in other places to share on here. The blog has become the best place for me to keep track of all the lesson ideas that I have and have not been able to teach.